Hopes, Fears & Opportunities pt. II

Hopes, Fears & Opportunities pt. II

The second edition of hopes, fears and opportunities. A follow up to part one. I feel like I have taken several steps backwards since the original post and this saddens me.

My biggest fear, is after a terrible (personally) final year at university, where I’ve not felt motivated in any way or supported, that my self-doubt/emotions will continue to get in my way. I have little emotional support and this leads to one of my biggest let downs. Without help/support I can’t get through these bouts and I feel like I might just be better off giving up at times. It’s difficult to look towards the future without fear when all I hear/feel is negativity and put downs. I want to believe in myself, but when no one else does, it gets tedious to keep trying and eventually wears me down to a place where I just feel like stopping. This has prevented me from getting on with my work, improving my work or even liking my work. I have not created a single piece I have been proud of since… september. Being told I’m not going to make it as an illustrator by my contemporaries surely doesn’t help to eradicate any doubts I have about myself. I used to fear finishing university and being forced out into the world of grown ups, but I am more ready than ever to finally finish and get away from the negative atmosphere.

Despite my fears, part of me hopes that once I am out in the real world that I will be able to get a grip on myself, return to the place where I actually enjoy drawing again and be able to push myself and my work further. I have so many ideas and dreams, but something holds me be back from taking them on.

I hope that, despite that I’ve been told that I can’t, I can support myself through my illustration. Ideally I’d like to move abroad for a couple of years, which illustration as work should allow me to do with world as small as it is now through the wonders of the internet. I would like to get back to that “happy” place and really develop my work. Days can fly by and I don’t feel at all inspired to even pick up my pencil, I am hoping this feeling passes quickly.

I have had a number of opportunities these past few months – some I’ve taken advantage of, others I haven’t. It’s a difficult place to be, when you want to do something, but just can’t seem to find the energy. I visited London in March, which led to some great opportunities, both personal and work-wise. Having been commissioned by a magazine that is in one the major genres of illustration I’d love to pursue was a great point. Meeting others involved in the industry, being able to communicate with them, get advice and pass on my business card was another great opportunity. I have noted everything I have learned from these events to peruse in the future when I’m back to myself.

I head to London again at the end of June, which I’m looking forward to and will definitely be taking the time to contact various art directors and the like, though a bit earlier this time (not a few days before I head off). I also travel to Vancouver, Canada for three weeks in July, another opportunity to make contacts and perhaps get some portfolio viewings. It will be interesting to see how any feedback I may receive will be different to that in the UK. Vancouver is definitely up and coming market, especially since the 2010 Winter Olympics and a lot more seems to be happening there, design-wise than when I lived there.

Ideally, once I’m finished uni and have more time (I realise now, that uni isn’t the be all and end all of life), I would like spend more time on personal work, building my portfolio to fit the market I want to fit into and gain some more real world experience. I always knew, throughout my degree, that though illustration was the path for me, a large part of my heart belongs to surface design and I am going definitely pursue this area more and create products to sell through various outlets. Despite a lot of emphasis being put on editorial illustration at uni, that is not what I am as an artist. I could do it, for the sake of doing it, as I have done in the past, but it’s not something I overly enjoy (though I suppose the right editorial for the right paper/magazine might change my mind).

I just know, whatever happens, I am going to take advantage of any opportunities presented to me from now on, especially if I feel they will help my skills/creativity reach new levels.